So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
