Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
