rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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