It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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