So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
