She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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