I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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