was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
