Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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