1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
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