Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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