just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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