The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
