I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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