Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize