I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
