I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize