What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
