I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I've blown a few things in my day
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
