Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
