Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
