I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
