I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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