I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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