The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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