he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
a search helicopter?!
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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