If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Who died my cat blue again?
Randomize
