Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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