billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
