Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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