I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Is it penis luge time yet?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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