I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Farmville is her only friend.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
