my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
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