mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
