cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
