my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
The air taste purple.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
