I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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