i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
