why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
