I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
