bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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