NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
