Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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