k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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