so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
