if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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