it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
