Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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