No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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