I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
a search helicopter?!
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize