I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Send help, water and tortillas.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
