Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
