she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
