Fine. I'll sleep in my office
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
